can school end already?!

sorry i havent really been posting this week. i feel like life has sucked me dry.
kaleb's girlfriend broke up with him. they'll probably go back out after summer, though. they both seem to be taking it well. still smiling and joking and hanging out with other people.  maybe they have a negotiation. i hate that kaleb wanders back to me, when his girlfriend is unavailable. whenever she was sick or out of town, he'd ask if we could hang out, or pretend like he didn't even ignore me and stop answering my texts.
it makes me sick.
he can be a real jerk.
i'm tired of being pushed and pulled around by his needs. i wouldn't mind coming to help him when he was sad, if he didn't toss me aside right after. if he actually cared.
that's why i love gilbert. he's the only person who likes looking at my drawings. that makes me feel good because i draw aLOT and no one really cares or finds it interesting.
gilbert is a very valuable person in my life, i don't want anything to ruin that. ugh. i'm doing geometry right now. i've got much on my mind, and i don't want to do this stupid review. i already know this stuff. watch me pass that test next week. just watch. and then i'll be out of this class and out of this school for a few weeks. i wish i could just burrow down into my bed and not come out, but i have trek and girls camp and all this other crap i have to do. for now, i can't believe that it's tuesday right now. i feel like yesterday happened weeks ago. yesterday was a good day, today was kind of depressing.
kaleb sat with us at lunch today. everyone felt on-edge.
i hate that he and i have brains that think exactly alike. i hate that i can still finish his sentences and read his face so easily. i hate that. i would rather forget it. we had so much. he had this really rich friendship with all these jokes and sayings...and we hung out all the time. i knew every inch of his house, i was a regular resident of his house. his parents were closer to me than my parents.
but now it's been so long...and looking at him looking at me like that never changed, hurts. it hurts me so bad. like someone dug my heart out of my chest with an icepick.
but i dont want to care. i dont want to hang out again because once his girlfriend realizes what she did. again. for the third time, she'll take him and then i'll be left alone again. so screw that.

frekkn a. 
today made me tired.
i have to go to mutual tonight. i have a montrous amount of plato due tomorrow. i have a d in math. i think i failed that circle unit test. my dresser drawers are broken, so my clothes are being stored on my bookshelves. my books are in a box between me and my sister's bed. mom was supposed to get our home teachers to move the broken dressers out, and get us new ones but she never gets anything done. unless her boyfriend is involved. did you know she's visiting him in a few days? awesome. i'm still pissed at her. she sometimes mentions what i'd think if they got married. i'd be very disappointed in her. she tells me i need to marry a mormon, so why isn't she? what? it doesn't apply to her? she fell in love? what excuse is she using, because it's not going to keep them together longer than this life, and she's not going to be put in the celestial kingdom with us. why would she take that away from us?
my mom used to say she imagined a dinner table in heaven, that our family would sit around. she said she didn't want any "missing chairs". well. shows how much that actually matters to her. 

jeremy  depresses me. he says he loves me and calls me "babe" and "hun" and he tells me he misses me. i tell him not to miss me or love me. i am very platonic towards him.
my life is always this shifting vat of lava, and very few times do i get something that doesn't cause me pain. like gilbert. very rare.
i'd like to think i could date him, but i fear that i'd do to him what i did to jeremy. that as soon as we'd start going out, i'd shut down.
because when i fell in love i got hurt. and opening up again hurts just as much. how many times do am i going to have to tear the stitches out of my heart to open it, just to get it ripped out in the end.
i learned my lesson, okay? life sucks.
can't we move on to the happy ending now?


  1. ahhh...I wish I could say I feel your pain, but I can't. It's just...argh.

  2. I know what you mean. and it's alright:]