5/31/11

GOOD DAY!

Happy first day of summer, slackers! The school year is OVERRRRR!!
Today is the first day because it's the day after memorial day. Memorial day is when we all celebrate our veterans and whatnot, get off of work and just soak in the summer-ness. But the day AFTER our patriotic obligations end, and after the adults go back to work..that's when summer officially begins. Well, for me I'm not counting this break as summer until after I get back from girl's camp. Because until that day, I have to stress over making and finding my clothes, I have to buy supplies, keep breaking in my shoes, maybe go to Jeremy's graduation tomorrow (more on that later), and prepare to be brutally beaten by physical activity. There's just so much to take care of.
I just got home after four days of being at my dad's rental because my mom went to jersey. It's a relief to have internet back. But I miss my little Dell laptop so much. i'm going through withdrawals. I mean...everytime I have a struggle with deciding what I should do, I type it all out on this really long word document I've been keeping and by the end I have a resolution. But not this time! I don't have the cute little keyboard or the comforting pulsating white light under the covers of my bed.
It's just gone...
AND I SAID I WASN'T GONNA CRY!
But I missing having a netbook I could call my own. It's not like I'm never going to see it again, I'll see it in a month or so but I really miss it.
I promised jeremy I was going to his graduation tomorrow, but I have no ride. And I didn't hang out with him on saturday and I need to see him because I miss him and I at least owe him my appearance at his graduation. But I have no way to get there, and i bought him a bag of skittles and I'm sad.
Also, I told him I loved him.
UGH! I know. Judy already slapped me in the face. Don't ever declare false love, because it will come back and haunt you.
Although this isn't false. I do love him, I just know it's not as deeply as he loves me and I know that I am going to be the one to screw him over, and I'm sick of seeing him being screwed over. I mean, he deserves happiness more than i do! so maybe i should stick with my proposition of my love, and let him be happy. It was really late on sunday night when I told him. I was lonely and sad, like I usually am at that time of night. And I just got all caught up in thinking about how great he is, and all he's done for me. And it sort of just came out. But he deserves to hear it. I do love him.  And the least I owe him is showing up at his graduation, but I dunno if i can and I feel awful!
SEE. This inner turmoil isn't meant to go on this blog, it's supposed to go to my long text document of nonsense. If you think THIS blog is bad...wow. I mean, this is as organized as my head can be.
In other news, I walked to walgreeens today. I was with sophie and adam. they were cool with walking all that way in the heat. I think I can survive trek because I'm fine with walking long distances, I don't really get tired. It's the heat that's going to kill me. My dad knew someone who was going to give us a couple dresses and bonnets, but they bailed on us so now we have nothing. And it's NEXT WEEK. This time in 7 days, I'm going to be in the woods somewhere pulling a handcart with a bunch of strangers.
The thought of this hurts my brain.
But I'll do it, goshdanget.
I walked past gilbert's new house today. he wasn't home, he's been going window shopping all day. shopping tires me out. It makes me want to curl up in those baby cribs in target and take a long nap.
I blistered up my feet pretty good, so at least I won't have to deal with doing that next week or during camp. Ahh I got put over the second years who happen to have the longest hike. I could have sworn the third years were supposed to have to longest hike. No matter. If the universe wants me to hike my face off this summer, so be it. I don't care.
I am thinking about getting my hair cut really short. But I don't know. My straightener broke, so now i am prisoner to my crazy curly hair. sigh. But at least it broke after school ended. Thank the heavens.
I got into the habit of biting my fingers just above the knuckle. I accidently bit through the skin on my index finger. But i got to but white tape over the bandaid and draw on it. So that was fun.
Am I the only one that wants to shoot people who call the house phone?! the ringing! SO LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS!!
it echoes in my head!!!!!!
alright. the phone's ringing too much to think.
booop.




5/22/11

"FREKKN A"

the key phrase used to describe this school year.
More things have gone wrong than right, adventures turn into struggles and frustration is now running successfully through every one's veins.
I hope you're happy, sophomore year...for deliberately screwing some of us over. But we did learn from you. We learned what NOT to do next time, like get grades that aren't around human body temperature. We learned what we could get away with..and what we couldn't. We've learned to hate certain people...and come to love people we've hated. you brought out the worst of the seminary teachers, and definitely the best. you've given us new fun memories and happy moments to remember when you whip us with the sharpness of the world we live in. sophomore year, i don't know whether to say you sucked or you were one of the best.
i've lost alot, but gained the same and i'm pretty much back where i started last year.
let's just hope we can start over better next year. junior year we will do it right. next year, after trek and girl's camp and all that is over with..we'll start again only this time FOR REALS. no more ridiculous chemistry classes expecting us to teach ourselves, or asinine amounts of procrastination (alright, let's not kid ourselves..we're always going to procrastinate) but still. we're gonna start over, only this time doing it RIGHT. goshfrekkndangetAmotherofpoo! 
Next year, i'm gonna be 16 which means i'm gonna start dating. which means the amount of boy drama is going to spike. great. y'know, i dont want boy drama in my life. if i Do start dating, i'm only going to date real mature dudes. you know how hard it is to find mature guys in highschool? JUDAS PRIEST!! and plus, i don't want to be around jealousy, or weirdness from other people. i dont want to break up with anyone. but if i do start dating, im eventually going to have to break up with them because i know i meet isaac after highschool, and i dont wanna get hooked on a highschool boyfriend longer than highschool itself. cuz after graduation i am OUTTA HERE! also, i wanna learn how to drive...soon. and i want to hang out with gilbert at his new house this summer.  and i swear next year i will do better with my grades. i hate getting Ds, but in order to stop getting Ds i have to stop being a slacker. i will never again get a grade below a 70! FREKKN A!!!
and here we are back at the beginning.
well, these are my thoughts.
the next and and last four days of this year better go by quick cuz sophomore year...i am done with you.

5/19/11

Missing

I was depressed all day today. It was one of those days when i felt really isolated and shut off. I don't really want to write much, and i don't want to whine. I'm just gonna read some scriptures and try and get over this stupid sadness that seems to be regrowing my heart like a weed. I'll get better soon.

5/18/11

sometimes you have to shut up and look in front of you

if i focus on the present, and blind myself from the past and future, things are pretty peachy right now. i just need to learn not to think so much, not to let my head overflow like that.
it's all about the little things. the tiny small details among our days that make it good.
like a bag of cookies as a pick-me-up from a friend. a nice set of clouds to block out the sun. the H-wing with the delicious smell of bread because it's pretzel day. The accomplished feeling after doing the plato. the fact that it's a halfday and we have every right to go home and sleep. the promising spur-of-the-moment plans for the weekend.
these little things are sweet, and if i focus on them instead of the larger bitter bigger picture...i find that life is enjoyable.
i know that i've made the right decisions in not dating until i turn 16, and even though it hurt to watch the boy i was in love with go out with other girls, and even though i've hurt some people by saying no..i know things will turn out for the better this way. this way, when i meet isaac i can tell him that i've always been faithful and obedient to God. and that's going to mean alot to him.
i'm kind of grateful i fell in love so young, it gave me a real opportunity to mature and to learn important lessons, and even to be faced with the dangers of self-abuse and all that other stuff..so i know it when i see it. and i'm confident in my inner strength.
i've gone through some pretty tough times in my life. and it's nothing to brag about. in fact, i don't like talking about what exactly has happened but it is important to write down and document them because it will remember my lessons learned, and how strong my spirit can be.
let's just say, mine has a six pack.
haha.
AGH i can't wait to meet isaac. it makes me sad to know that i'm not going to grow old with my friends. i don't even want to part with nita or carley or adrienne or sara or gilbert. even udi! and he's gone after next week. but i know we're all goign to go our seperate ways at some point. and have our own little lives...for however long until the end. but i know we'll all see each other again. we'll all be able to sit around a table, like we do at lunch..even if it's in another life.
anyways...that's all.
booohoohooohoooop

5/17/11

can school end already?!

sorry i havent really been posting this week. i feel like life has sucked me dry.
kaleb's girlfriend broke up with him. they'll probably go back out after summer, though. they both seem to be taking it well. still smiling and joking and hanging out with other people.  maybe they have a negotiation. i hate that kaleb wanders back to me, when his girlfriend is unavailable. whenever she was sick or out of town, he'd ask if we could hang out, or pretend like he didn't even ignore me and stop answering my texts.
it makes me sick.
he can be a real jerk.
i'm tired of being pushed and pulled around by his needs. i wouldn't mind coming to help him when he was sad, if he didn't toss me aside right after. if he actually cared.
that's why i love gilbert. he's the only person who likes looking at my drawings. that makes me feel good because i draw aLOT and no one really cares or finds it interesting.
gilbert is a very valuable person in my life, i don't want anything to ruin that. ugh. i'm doing geometry right now. i've got much on my mind, and i don't want to do this stupid review. i already know this stuff. watch me pass that test next week. just watch. and then i'll be out of this class and out of this school for a few weeks. i wish i could just burrow down into my bed and not come out, but i have trek and girls camp and all this other crap i have to do. for now, i can't believe that it's tuesday right now. i feel like yesterday happened weeks ago. yesterday was a good day, today was kind of depressing.
kaleb sat with us at lunch today. everyone felt on-edge.
i hate that he and i have brains that think exactly alike. i hate that i can still finish his sentences and read his face so easily. i hate that. i would rather forget it. we had so much. he had this really rich friendship with all these jokes and sayings...and we hung out all the time. i knew every inch of his house, i was a regular resident of his house. his parents were closer to me than my parents.
but now it's been so long...and looking at him looking at me like that never changed, hurts. it hurts me so bad. like someone dug my heart out of my chest with an icepick.
but i dont want to care. i dont want to hang out again because once his girlfriend realizes what she did. again. for the third time, she'll take him and then i'll be left alone again. so screw that.

frekkn a. 
today made me tired.
i have to go to mutual tonight. i have a montrous amount of plato due tomorrow. i have a d in math. i think i failed that circle unit test. my dresser drawers are broken, so my clothes are being stored on my bookshelves. my books are in a box between me and my sister's bed. mom was supposed to get our home teachers to move the broken dressers out, and get us new ones but she never gets anything done. unless her boyfriend is involved. did you know she's visiting him in a few days? awesome. i'm still pissed at her. she sometimes mentions what i'd think if they got married. i'd be very disappointed in her. she tells me i need to marry a mormon, so why isn't she? what? it doesn't apply to her? she fell in love? what excuse is she using, because it's not going to keep them together longer than this life, and she's not going to be put in the celestial kingdom with us. why would she take that away from us?
my mom used to say she imagined a dinner table in heaven, that our family would sit around. she said she didn't want any "missing chairs". well. shows how much that actually matters to her. 

jeremy  depresses me. he says he loves me and calls me "babe" and "hun" and he tells me he misses me. i tell him not to miss me or love me. i am very platonic towards him.
my life is always this shifting vat of lava, and very few times do i get something that doesn't cause me pain. like gilbert. very rare.
i'd like to think i could date him, but i fear that i'd do to him what i did to jeremy. that as soon as we'd start going out, i'd shut down.
because when i fell in love i got hurt. and opening up again hurts just as much. how many times do am i going to have to tear the stitches out of my heart to open it, just to get it ripped out in the end.
i learned my lesson, okay? life sucks.
can't we move on to the happy ending now?